Trump and Greenland “special envoy” Jeff Landry. By Trump’s estimation, there are five men in this photo.
Ten years ago, Congress established America 250, a bipartisan organization tasked with planning celebrations for America's 250th birthday.
Five days ago, Donald Trump announced a competing organization, Freedom 250, which will coordinate dignified events including a UFC match on the White House lawn, and the Patriot Games, in which two high schoolers from every state will compete for the honor of being named "most patriotic" by a Putin apologist whose best friend ran a sex trafficking ring for old men who loved diddling high schoolers.
Yesterday, Trump reiterated America’s intention to annex Greenland, by force if necessary. “They say that Denmark was there 300 years ago with a boat. Well, we were there too with boats, I’m sure.”
As has been pointed out by many, many people, America did not exist 300 years ago. We know this because we are Americans. We know this because the year of our founding has been drilled into our heads since we were old enough to eat our Thanksgiving turkey with a knife and fork instead of having it squeezed for us from a pouch. We know this because “1776” has a memorably pleasing consonance rivaled by no other nation’s founding. We know this because despite America’s precipitously declining math skills, we are still capable of subtracting 300 from 2025 and arriving at a number that is less than 1776.
And of course, we know this because, as has been widely publicized, next year is our 250th anniversary, and 250 is less than 300. Donald Trump should know our country’s age better than anyone. Why? Because, again, he just announced the establishment of a commission named Freedom 250. Not “Freedom 300.” Not “Freedom ‘90!” Freedom 250.
If you cannot remember that 2026 marks America’s 250th anniversary mere days after trumpeting your grandiose plans for America’s 250th anniversary, you are not fit to commit our military to war. If you cannot comprehend that 250 is less than 300, you are not fit to operate an oven, or work as a stock boy in a candy store, or watch Zach Snyder movies without adult supervision.
Trump claims we “need” Greenland for national security reasons, and that its mineral wealth has nothing to do with his ambitions. After all, he says, the US already has “many sites for minerals and oil.” Which is poppycock. Trump has openly justified going to war with Venezuela over oil. America is also a massive net importer of rare-earth minerals. Experts say that even with a sustained, vigorous effort (something Donald Trump is not exactly known for), it will take the United States 10 to 15 years to break China’s stranglehold.
Of course, oil and minerals are a matter of national security. Trump brushes past that. “If you take a look at Greenland, you look up and down the coast, you have Russian and Chinese ships all over the place.” If he is concerned that these ships signal an intent for those nations to take possession of Greenland’s oil and minerals, then this is, in fact, about oil and minerals.
If this is about protecting American soil from enemy aggression, then we had probably ought to start treating Russia and China as enemies. Our coddling of Putin’s belligerence is absurd. We have taken his side in an illegal war he started. We have quite literally allowed him to write our EU foreign policy. We have crippled our own cyber defenses and halted all planning for offensive strategies against Russia. Our policy towards China is just baffling. On the one hand, Trump just announced an $11 billion arms sale to Taiwan (which, of course, has not been approved by Congress). On the other, Trump reversed a Biden-era policy barring the sale of advanced AI chips to China, potentially compromising national security and threatening our lead in the AI race, the winning of which Trump himself has declared our most important national priority.
Of course, annexing Greenland might actually be beneficial to American interests. So would annexing a lot of places. That doesn’t make it legal or right. As the prime ministers of Denmark and Greenland flatly stated, “You cannot annex another country. Not even with an argument about national security.”
Trump’s most offensive justification for obtaining this autonomous territory by any means necessary is its population, about which he says, “There aren’t many people there.” Greenland is home to around 57,000 residents. It would not matter if that number were one million. Nor would it matter if that number were a mere 300, or even 250. Not to the arbiters of international law, nor to our national conscience.
Sadly, the exact number of Greenlanders doesn’t matter to Trump either. Whether it’s years or human lives, the man simply cannot count, and does not seem to care that the logic behind his proclamations, promises, and threats never seems to add up.